I deserve a buzz


Dear Andrea:

How is it humanly possible that I, a 42 year old man, talented, accomplished, tall, and fit, cannot get laid to save his life? I have gone out on literally hundreds of dates, but nothing ever seems to go my way. I try not to act desperate, but women seem to smell it on me or something.

I have spent 12 years in therapy, tried whatever advice is thrown my way, but nothing seems to work. WTF?


42-Year-Old Etc.

Dear Etc:

Yikes. OK, you have legitimately got a problem. But do try to remember that while it may seem reasonable to feel that the universe owes you a boinking, any individual female owes you nothing of the kind. Forget this at your peril.

I won't tell you that there is someone out there for you, although there may be. I will tell you, though, that it appears that the problem is not them, it's you. Really, I am sorry. But a record like yours, well, I suppose it is technically possible that you are suffering the world's most protracted streak of bad luck, scoring-wise, but it is simply not very likely.

I wonder what it is about all those dates that is "not going your way." You do know you have to actually do something, right? Just waiting for things to go your way is a good way to end up a 42-year-old virgin.

Still, 42 is way old to still be a virgin, so I suggest quitting that. Seriously. Hire a pro or run a Craig's List ad, looking not for luv and certainly not for anything as apocryphal as a soul-mate, but for some floozy who thinks the idea of contributing to the delinquency of a major sounds like hot dirty fun. In other words, just do it. Getting past the virginity element will dispel the stink of desperation (along with the fear of having to make an embarrassing confession), which ought to take some of the pressure off the next date.

Also, since I cannot see you or smell you or hear you laugh, you need some data I cannot provide. Do you know any women? Do you have female friends? Could you ask them if you seem, well, doable? Like if she weren't married or not into men or whatever, could she imagine hooking up with you? If not, why not, and is there anything you can do about it?

At this point I'm assuming that you are stuck in a cycle of defeat and despair and that your dates can, in fact, smell it on you. But on the off chance that there is something else, some mannerism or failure of personal hygiene at work here, you really need to find out more about how people are perceiving you. You may not believe me, but it isn't too late. Get yourself a nice, expensive escort and at least get some practice. She may even have some pointers — if there's anyone who knows a helluva lot about what makes a man sexually unappealing, it will be her.



Email your questions to


I there are many things that one can do:

Working on appearance
1. Getting fit, by eating well, and exercising. Overweight just says "I don't care about myself, and I have a low self esteem"

2. Get some descent clothes, it doesn't have to be fancy, but some people have no style what so ever, or it doesn't go with their age. Ask for advice from successful people. Make sure your clothes are clean, and no all wrinkled up(unless you're a teenager).

3. Self confidence, yes.... that is probably the most important part of the appearance. It shows, and people can even feel it, when a confident person walks in the room. This is best worked on by figuring out, what it means to have a good day for you. Go make things happen for yourself.

Working of the inner stuff:
1. Manners, most guys, especially old that are single are pretty crude in a chauvinistic way. Bring back that chivalry, everyone likes to be made to feel important. There's many books on interpersonal communication.

2. Know who you are helps. People will ask what your about, and if you can put it in a concise sentence it helps. No body wants a long drawn out detailed description. They will ask if they're interested.

Where to meet?
1. Ideally you'd go to find someone at a place that you enjoy being at. Or doing activities you enjoy doing.
What's your hobby? Do you take classes? Are you outdoosy? Techy? Whatever you do.. there's bound to be a circle/group just for you. Seek them out, and join them.

The date:
Shower, get cleaned up, and be nice. Cracking wise jokes about your date is not a good idea. Learn about her.

Anyway.... sometime just a compliment to show your interest, or flirting will lead you to the bedroom. There's no set rules. The only thing you can really do it to work on yourself, and put yourself out there, be friendly and ask questions.


Posted by Cadence SF on May. 05, 2010 @ 1:34 pm

Eric, it's not your fault. The bitches are on a domination kick. Stop trying to be nice, just ask 'em if they want to fuck and leave it at that. If they say no, ignore 'em, that's what they are doing to you.

Here's how it goes. Cross you first two fingers and hold them up in front of you. Now rotate your hand like you are screwing something with a screwdriver. That is the sign for sex. After you meet a woman, say hi and all that, then let a joke come out and if she laughs she will tell you her name. Once she tells you her name, introducde yourself and then give the sign for sex while at the some time saying "so, do you want to ... " Don't finish the sentence, it's important she finish it for you. If she gives a wishy washy answer, then pin her down. Verbally of course. Say, what do you mean, what's the answer, yes or no? Stand tall, be confident, let it happen. If she says yes, then your in. Be nice, be direct, spend some time with her and respond to her moves with a little more of your own, until it leads to a kiss, then just go home together. If she says anthing but yes, simply tell her that it was nice to meet her and make an excuse to go somewhere else. Essentially what you're dealing with here is patience, permission and deniability. Remember also, that at 42, a great many of them are just obnoxios men haters. You'll pick it up. Have fun. What's starts out horribly can only get better.


Posted by Guest on Jun. 06, 2010 @ 10:32 am

It is obvious you are in the same boat as the man you are trying to advise! So here is what you do, take that universal screwing sign you are so fond of, reach around and in a twisting motion, stick that universal sign of yours up your anus. That is where your answer belong, where the sun don't shine.

On another note put the man this column is about in touch with me, I can help him!

Posted by Guest on Jun. 06, 2010 @ 11:54 am

Please work on your grammar and spelling so you can at least be taken seriously around here.

Posted by Another Guest on Jun. 06, 2010 @ 7:06 pm

Grammar and Spelling?! Are you kidding me? It's the ideas -- and Cadence has them and the courage to express them. If you can get past syntax, you'll never understand the semantics. Brava, Cadence.

Posted by Guest on Jun. 18, 2010 @ 9:42 pm

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